Discover This Tale Of Triumph Over Dating Trend Tragedy

Have you ever been with someone who said all the right things but when it came down to the practice of them…it looked a little different? Or perhaps they use their newly found philosophies or perspectives to push you into situations you aren’t comfortable with or shame you into agreeing to. If so, you might have been reeled in by a Wokefisher!

If this has ever happened to you…you are not alone! Here is a little tale right out of my own dating archives. Discover what to do if you find yourself in the midst of one of these Dating Trend Tragedies!

The Apology

“I’m sorry I slept with you and then told you I wanted you to date me, but I didn’t want to date you.”

The Story

Part 1: The Setup

He was a yoga teacher, he read Tarot, and he said and did all the things a well-trained spiritual practitioner on the hot LA yoga scene should. There was just one little problem..he didn’t embody any of it.

I had met him through a friend of a friend, and we had begun chatting over social media. He asked me on a date and I accepted. His laid-back demeanor and sparkling blue eyes won me over, and the spiritual philosophies he so adamantly preached– locked me in. I thought we were a great fit…until we weren’t.

A few dates(and glasses of wine) later we ended up spending the night together. I thought we were totally on the same page. He touted all the virtues of healthy connection, interactions, and relationships. I was hooked.

Part 2: The Disturbing Date

We went on an outdoor yoga date, during which he seemed a bit distant and sad. When we got back in the car to drive home, I asked him if everything was ok. He began bawling.

He had grown up as a member of a highly religious cult(basically) and after leaving it and his former marriage, he had lost his entire community and family. Our date had fallen on the one holiday they were allowed to celebrate and he hadn’t heard from anyone in his family.

We sat in his car as he poured his heart out about his family troubles, tears rolling down his cheeks.

He expressed his heartbreak over the loss of his faith and stability. I quietly held his hand, a little overwhelmed by the force of the emotion and disclosures. We were on our fourth date, so I still didn’t know him very well. I also am not a certified counselor or post-cult trauma-informed therapist, so I was a bit out of my depth here. I tried to be comforting and consoling but truth be told I was a bit rattled.

Part 3: The Big Reveal

The storm seemed to pass and he wiped his tears and invited me back to his house for champagne( this was back when I still drank.) I was a bit shaken, but I agreed. As we sipped bubbly from stemmed glasses, the residual tears still glistening in his eyes, he took my hand and turned to face me.

“I just wanted you to know…” He began sincerely.

“Yes…?”

” I don’t think we have the same idea about relationships.”

…….

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I just can’t take on anyone else’s emotions right now. I really just need someone to be there for me, but understand I can’t be there for them.”

“I’m still not following you…”

“I want someone who won’t see other people but is ok if I do. ”

…..

“I want someone who can be there for me if I’ve had a bad day, but understands I might not be capable of reciprocating.”

……

*Takes my hand* “I still want to see you but I just don’t view relationships in such a confining way, like you do.”

He literally wanted me to commit fully to him, but expect nothing in return. Literally nothing. After emotionally unloading all over me in the car, he was now telling me that I was supposed to just swallow all his big emotions and place them neatly on top of my own.

All of this he phrased in the form of being “more awakened” to relationships than I was, being more “out of the box” and “less restrictive” in their practice and definition than I was.

I called bullsh*t.

The Analysis

Basically this little sordid story hits on two dating phenomenons. Something called “Wokefishing” (or The Holier Than Though Archetype) and the ever-popular “Situationship” or more accurately what I call “The Relationship Hokey Pokey.”

1. WokeFishing

Wokefishing is a play on the dating term “catfishing” which boils down to someone claiming to be something/someone they are not. Being “woke” is the concept of being spiritually aware, so Wokefishing is when one person claims to be spiritual/”woke” but is actually only using spirituality(or anything really–religion too) as a gaslighting tool. It is a way to maneuver what they want from someone under the “banner of heaven” so to speak. Let’s be clear, it’s basically using spirituality as a smokescreen and ultimately as an emotional weapon.

At its base, it’s like The Aeosp fable quote “A tyrant will always find a pretext for his tyranny” meaning if someone wants to emotionally or physically use someone, they will naturally gravitate towards any methodology or philosophy that allows them to do so. This guy just took the cult mentality he grew up with and shone it through a spiritual lens.

He wanted someone to cater to all his emotional and physical needs, without them ever asking anything in return. Unfortunately, that’s actually very abusive.

2. The Situationship

The next side-stepping dance he activated is the Situationship, or the Relationship Hokey Pokey. It is taking one foot into a relationship and then taking one foot out, depending on convenience.

It is holding onto the ability to say ” I don’t have to do that we aren’t in a relationship” while simultaneously getting all of their needs and wants met. They get someone who adheres to relationship rules and morality, while they two-step their way in and out when convenient. It’s not a good look and ultimately not sustainable(or kind).

The Verdict

What he is describing is not a relationship–it’s abusive. A relationship(a healthy relationship) of any description, is two people coming together on equal ground, with mutual footing to create a cohesive connection.

The connection is an energetic exchange, which is supposed to be equal, loving, and supportive. If one person is just sucking up all the energy in the room, the other person is going to become very depleted.

This is not the type of “relationship” that anyone deserves.

I want better for you,(and me) and even him. He thinks he is getting what he wants out of that scenario, but instead, he is using someone to bolster the needs and wounds that he should be addressing and healing himself. It is a quick fix that will ultimately harm both parties. It keeps him from accountability, learning how to meet his own needs, and then how to have a healthy relationship exchange.

If someone feels so depleted that they cannot handle anyone else’s emotions(it’s fine, we’ve all been there), they don’t need to be pursuing a partnership. Period.

The End

You’ll be happy to note that I wrote the apology I never got, was able to find forgiveness, (with just a hint of lingering disgust–I’m only human!), and moved on to much happier and healthier(and balanced) relationships.

And believe me–you can too.

—Disclaimer:

Yes. This guy sucked. But you know what, we have all sucked. Truly. We have all been the bad guys in relationships, we have all gotten it wrong.

We have been selfish, rude, immature, and taken advantage of others–Intentionally or not. So while this was not my favorite dating highlight let’s give this guy(and me) a little grace here. I am hopeful this guy figured out the error of his ways, I certainly learned the error of mine, and hopefully, we can all move on to bigger and better things and healthier relationship dynamics.

So while we might be throwing this guy a LITTLE shade–let’s not throw rocks.

In the spirit of what we do here– the apology has been written, the forgiveness granted, and now, the grace given.

Let’s hope he (and I) find peace, clarity, and healing in our journies.