Home For The Holidays? This Holiday Survival Guide Will Ensure Your Holidays Are Happy And Healthy!
The Holidays Are Upon Us…
Yes, family can be triggering, the holidays can be stressful, and being cooped up together in one place…can feel a bit like being in a pressure cooker that everyone may not make it out of alive. Trust me. I KNOW. But fear not!
Because Santa is making his rounds early this season and is giving you your present now… It’s the Home for the Holidays Family Survival Guide! Trust me, this is the gift that keeps giving the whole year round!
Make A Boundaries List
You are probably going to hear the “B” word a lot this holiday season. No, not that “B” word”(although probably that one too) the other one– BOUNDARIES.
The key to surviving the holiday with family is knowing what you are okay with and what you genuinely aren’t. Then make a list, and don’t forget to check it twice. Sometimes we enter the family home with the best-laid plans and intentions, but they all go right out the window when an extra helping of guilt is layered on or when someone makes an offhand comment.
Well, that is what the list is for! To help keep you on track and holding strong.
(If you need some help with knowing just what to say– check out our 50 Family Friendly Boundary Scripts)
Schedule Some Downtime
Some family interactions may not quite to the level of abusive but they can certainly be…ANNOYING. Perhaps your mother’s “gentle” nagging, Aunt Thelma’s long and neverending stories, or your brother’s football obsession aren’t quite to the level that you need to leave the entire event, but you could certainly use a breather.
Being sure to schedule some downtime during the holidays can be the difference between being triggered or being chill. Be sure to include time for taking a walk, quiet time alone, breathwork, meditation, listening to music, or time with friends. Even taking a nap or watching a movie by yourself can help you re-center and take a break from the mistletoe mania.
You can even let your family know your intended schedule before you come so that there are no surprises or disputes. It is simply setting a boundary around something you require to be happy and healthy. No negotiation required.
Limit Their Access
Here’s a tip–Keep it Brief. Just because they are family does not mean they get an all-access pass to you or your life. If you don’t want to talk about your dating life–you don’t have to! Finances? Nope. Health matters? Absolutely not. Your reproductive desires(or lack thereof)? Not a chance.
They do not get to know every detail of your life, especially if they have a tendency to use it as fodder for the family gossip mill. Why answer someone if you know they are just using it as an opportunity to judge or gossip about you? Change the subject, pivot to another topic, or just say “I’m not open to/interested in discussing that with anyone.” If they don’t like it… TOUGH.
We begin to choose the people who belong in our inner circle, and unfortunately, that does not always include family. As hard as that may be. Remember, access to you is a privilege, not a right, and one you can revoke at any time.
Have An Exit Strategy
Sometimes boundaries(and buttons) are pushed to the point it is no longer healthy. You might need to take your leave– from the conversation, the room, or even from the gathering itself. Yes, sometimes it is best to just leave the gathering altogether.
Ensuring you have an exit strategy is key. That can look like taking your own car, mentioning a pre-set time you might have to leave by, or having a friend or other family member on standby just in case you need to make a quick exit.
That way even if you don’t have to use it, you will know it is there. You aren’t trapped, you have a choice, and sometimes even knowing that you have that option, can ease some of the stress.
(P.S. Sometimes this can include staying at a hotel or Airbnb instead of the family home. It can look like limiting conversation topics or having a pre-set time to leave by.)
Just Say No
More people are going low contact or no contact with their families than ever before(especially this year!) It’s ok to make the decision that for your mental health and well-being, you are not going to participate in the holidays this year.
You are allowed to choose not to go. Yes, really. You don’t have to see your family for the holidays. You don’t have to see anyone if you don’t want to. (Some of my favorite Christmas’ have been just me, my pets, a giant mug of hot chocolate(extra marshmallows), and a Christmas movie marathon.)
Sure, there might be guilt trips, pleading, and not-so-subtle reminders of things done for you in Christmas past. But at the end of the day, YOU are the priority. Your health, safety, emotional, well-being, and needs matter, and if attending a holiday function puts those in jeopardy–it’s not worth the price.
(Plan a Friend-mas, a holiday trip, or solo time if that is what refills your cup and makes you feel joyful. Joyful. Remember that feeling? If you are not finding it at your family holiday gathering, then it might be time to make different plans this year!)
To Sum The Holiday Survival Guide…
This holiday season can be the best one yet! With these 5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays, you too can breeze through a family function, no meltdowns required.
Or better yet–give yourself the gift of self-care this season and opt out of any hair-pulling family functions completely!
-You Are The Priority This Holiday Season-
FAQ
Are Boundaries Mean?
Not at all. Actually boundaries keep everyone safe. Think about it, if you were hurting someone you cared about, wouldn’t you want to know about it? Boundaries can feel uncomfortable if we have been taught not to have any. But people who have your true best interests at heart, care if you are ok and want to know if you are not.
How Often Should I Repeat A Boundary?
As many times as it takes. However, after the 3rd strike, you should definitely begin thinking about limiting people’s access to you. If you have expressed something clearly twice and it’s still being trampled, that person is really telling you they don’t care about you or your feelings very much. You have told them something is hurting you, and they are continuing to do it anyway. With friends like that…
What If The Other Person Doesn’t Agree?
Tough Christmas cookies. They don’t have to. It is not up to them to decide how what they are doing is affecting you. You have every right to decide how you are spoken to, who gets access to you, and what is said to or about you in your presence.
You have to watch this one because sometimes people will try to minimize, invalidate, or argue with you about your boundaries. “oh you’re fine.” “oh don’t be so dramatic” “Oh we were only joking, don’t be so sensitive.” No dice. It’s your decision how you are spoken to and what kind of jokes are acceptable, and ones at your expense, simply will not be tolerated. It is a boundary, not a debate. Boundary set. Discussion over.
What If The Other Person Refuses To Respect My Boundary?
I hate to say it but this does happen. Especially with emotionally immature parents, narcissists, and a variety of other personality disorders. They can end up mocking your boundaries, only holding them grudgingly or refusing to hold them at all.
Their choice. Followed by…your choice.
If someone outright refuses to respect your boundaries, that’s a HUGE red flag. At that point, you might want to begin considering restricting access, as in maybe not speaking to them anymore. Yes, even if it is a family member, and yes, even if it is only temporary. That type of behavior is someone basically telling you they do not care if they cause you harm. Believe them on that one.
To Sum It Up…
There you have it folks!
You are now ready to rock and roll around the Christmas tree with no fears of the holiday festivities being laced with painful interactions or traumatic memories.
Now that is certainly something worth celebrating!
(P.S. If You Need Help Knowing What To Say When Setting a Boundary, Check Out These 50 Family Friendly Boundary Scripts For The Holidays!)
