Discover The Secret To Happy Holidays With These Family Friendly Boundary Scripts!
While the spirit of the season is warm and fuzzy, family functions aren’t always so cozy. *Le Sigh *But that’s ok because, with these boundary scripts, you have the keys to a Happy Holiday–right at your fingertips!
Let’s be honest…sometimes setting boundaries is uncomfortable. It can be awkward, overwhelming and with family can feel nearly impossible. But by using these Boundary Scripts you can take the guesswork out of boundary setting and have a happy, healthy, and for heaven’s sake, emotionally safe, holiday season!
Why Do We Need Boundaries?
Because people are people.
People can overstep, trigger us, hurt our feelings, and sometimes not be very nice to us, (intentionally or otherwise.)The truth is, we often have to teach people how to treat us, simply because we are all different.
That means even with close friends, family members, or intimate partners there will be times when boundaries will have to be drawn. Boundaries are just communicating to someone “Hey you did something that hurt or caused me harm. Please don’t do it again.” If they truly care about you, they will want to know that!
(Read More About Holiday Boundaries Here)
The 3-Strike Boundary Method
The Three Strike Method is the most effective boundary method on the market(at least in my humble opinion.) It’s simple, effective, and oh-so life-saving. It works about like it does in baseball, three strikes and someone(or you) are out.
Strike 1. If someone crosses the line- You set a verbal boundary.
Strike 2. Someone crosses it again. You repeat the boundary and provide an action statement (Ex: If you ask me that again I’m going to hang up the phone)
Strike 3. They cross the boundary one more time. You do the action piece. No further explanation needed.
(Although I have provided a few brief exit lines just in case they make you feel more comfortable)
So now you’ve got the basic concept, let’s see those scripts!
Boundary Scripts- Strike 1
Strike 1 Boundaries are just setting the stage. You are drawing a line in the sand saying “You’ve crossed a boundary.” Often boundary crossing is unintentional, so it’s good for you to let them know as it’s happening. Most people in your life will welcome the information, as they care about you and don’t want to cause you pain.
Yet there are others who are less open to that information. For them, you might have to move on to Boundary Strike 2 or even 3. But for now, let’s start with Strike 1.
The Formula is A+B=Boundary!
So pick one starter from Column A and add one from Column B.
Column A sets up the boundary, and Column B redirects.
A:
- I’m not comfortable talking about this
- I would rather not talk about this
- That is not information I am comfortable sharing
- I won’t be talking about this
- That is not a subject I am comfortable with
- This is not a subject I will be discussing
- This topic of conversation doesn’t feel safe/healthy/comfortable to me
- (Please) don’t talk to me that way
- (Please) do not speak to me in that tone of voice
- (Please) do not talk about me that way
- (Please) do not bring that up in front of me
B:
- Let’s pick a new topic
- Let’s change the subject
- Let’s talk about something else
- How about we talk about x, y, or z, instead
- At this time
- With anyone/family/you
- Please rephrase that.
- Please lower your voice.
- Please change your tone.
- Please talk about something else.
- Please use different language with me
Boundary Scripts-Strike 2
If the boundary bouncing has continued, then welcome to Boundary Strike 2! Here is where you repeat the boundary and lay out an action/consequence for a repeated boundary bounce.
It has nothing to do with trying to control their behavior, only expressing what you need, and what you will do if that is not taken into consideration. Ultimately the choice is theirs in how they want to proceed.
A:
- I have already said I do not feel comfortable talking about this/being talked to this way.
- I have already asked you to please stop asking/bringing it up
- I have already asked you to stop speaking to/about me this way.
- I said I do not like or feel comfortable with this
- I already said I will not be discussing this
- I have already expressed my discomfort around this
- I have already been very clear about how I feel about this
If you continue I will…
B:
- Hang Up the Phone
- Walk Away
- Not Speak With You Anymore
- Leave The Room
- Go Home
- Leave The Party
- Leave the House
- Not Be Coming Back
- Take Some Space From You
Boundary Scripts- Strike 3
If you’ve made it to Boundary Strike 3- then it is time for an action step. The person is not respecting your boundaries and is making it clear they don’t intend to do so. It’s a shame, but it’s not your fault.
They have made a choice and you are simply making a decision based on that. They had every opportunity to not let it get this far. Thus, you are choosing you, and making the best decision for your own health and well-being.
Boundary Strike 3: Do It.
Whatever that Thing was you said you were going to do… Do it.
A:
- Hang Up The Phone
- Walk Away
- Leave
- Stop Speaking To Them
- Walk Out Of the Room/House
- Go Home
You don’t have to say anything on Strike 3 if you don’t care to. They have been warned twice. Yet if you feel more comfortable adding some parting words, here are some Scripts for that.
B:
- I have asked twice to change the subject, but since that is not being respected I am going to walk away now.
- This (conversation/room/gathering) no longer feels safe/comfortable for me. I am going to leave now.
- I can see my boundaries are not going to be respected, so I am going to excuse myself from this.
- I will not allow myself to be talked to(about) that way. I am leaving now.
- I am not okay with you speaking to(or about) me that way, as I’ve said twice. I will be leaving now and I won’t be coming back.
To Sum It Up…
So that’s it! Now you have 50 Family Friendly Boundary Scripts for your holiday season. Feel free to pull them out when you are at a loss for words or want to choose your words carefully.
Be sure to check out the Holiday Survival Guide for FAQ about Boundaries and other survival tips for the holiday season!
